Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Maltese Falcon

(written at a previous date)

    Dear Harriet Walter,

    I watched The Maltese Falcon for the first time the other day. I've read the book before - well, listened to it, but the audiobook was unabridged so it counts - so I figured I ought to see the movie. If I went through life having only read the book and not seen the movie, inevitably there would be a day when I met a really nice young man and we were figuring out each other's film tastes, and I'd be like I watch a lot of old black-and-white movies and he'd be like oh man I love The Maltese Falcon it's one of my favorite movies, you like old movies so you must have seen it yes? And I'd be like er, no, but I've read the book! and he'd be like oh, well, I've seen the movie a bunch of times but I haven't read the book, and then we'd be at an awkward standstill like the time I went to the bank to set up my first banking account and was talking with my banker and for some reason we got to talking about piloting and he'd been on airplanes but never helicopters and I'd been on helicopters but never airplanes and it was awkward, I must have been 16 or so.

    Anyway. I have now seen The Maltese Falcon. Now if I ever meet such a person (the nice young man, not my banker) and have such a conversation, I can do a little bit of comparison. (Mary Astor is kind of annoying and not really pretty enough to be playing Brigid, although she is pretty enough to get on in life all right. But there are those roles, you know.)

    I love Humphrey Bogart. I love Humphrey Bogart's clothes. I love all the men's clothes in the 20s and 30s and 40s. In fact, let's just say I love all the men's clothes from the Victorian era to the 1940s.

    But between Humphrey Bogart's clothes and Fred Astaire's habit of wearing neckties as belts, I am really starting to desire me some neckties. I must start a collection. (I don't really need belts, because I have decently sizable hips and tend to wear stupid-tight pants, but I think we have all heard of accessories being useless. It still won't be completely useless anyway, because you can always kill people with belts and neckties and it's just handy to have things like that readily available.)

    I'm wearing a necktie right now, actually. Around my neck. It's loosely knotted, fat, silken and garish. I adore it. Still need to learn how to tie neckties though. My dad tried to teach me yesterday upon requesting him to do so, but I had to leave for class before I'd mastered the Windsor. (Of course, I still wanted to wear the garish tie to class, though, so he tied it around his own neck, loosened it and slipped it 'round mine. Very obliging man.)

    There must be directions online. Hrrmmmm.

    PS: Found the directions online. I will beat my ties into submission.

    PPS: If I was rich, and male, and homosexual, I would dress like Humphrey Bogart.

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